Wrasslin' Rainbow: A Journey Into The Best (And Worst) Storylines in Wrestling, Part 1: Katie Vick

Greetings, everyone, and welcome to Wrasslin' Rainbow. Now, you may be wondering what this whole operation is, and it's pretty simple, really. I take a look at wrestling storylines both good and bad and analyze them from beginning to end, highlighting the highs and lows of each one while critiquing the storytelling process a whole. I'm no LeVar Burton, but I do love a good story, so this should be fun.

As for our first subject, uhhh, there's a lot left to be desired, as I take a look at the story of Katie Vick, a feud between Triple and Kane revolving around the deceased eponymous girlfriend of Kane. Look, this isn't going to be an entirely pleasant experience, so give me a break as I loosen the few screws I have left in my head as I take a look at one of WWE's most infamous angles.

Katie Vick: A Tome Of Sex And Death

Our story begins on the October 7th, 2002 episode of Monday Night RAW. Kane and his tag team partner The Hurricane would be defending their World Tag Team titles in a Fatal 4-Way TLC match against the likes of Rob Van Dam & Jeff Hardy, Chris Jericho & Christian and The Dudley Boyz (specifically Bubba Ray and Spike) in the main event as per the results of the Raw Roulette. While not ideal for the team, it only got worse for them as Triple H took The Hurricane out backstage, leaving Kane to defend their titles single-handedly in a thrilling main event (link to the match here).

Despite having the deck stacked against him, Kane overcame the odds and successfully defended his teams' straps. The celebration was short-lived as Triple H, accompanied by Ric Flair, came out to cut a promo on Kane, saying that by the end of the episode his life would never be the same and claiming that 10 years ago, he killed a girl named Katie Vick. The episode ends on a close-up shot of a visibly stunned Kane, leaving the Las Vegas crowd and the audience at home in a bewildered state and clamoring for an explanation.

The very next week, Kane addresses the situation after being confronted about it backstage by Terri Runnels. He explains that Katie was a friend of his, and one night they went to party; she drank too much and Kane decided he should drive her home, despite the rainy conditions. A generic animal jumped into the road and Kane swerved to avoid it; he lost control of the vehicle and crashed it in the process. While he managed to escape the wreck with only a broken arm, Katie was killed instantly. Triple H comes out to provoke Kane, revealing his side of the story. He claims that Kane had also been drinking that night, and that doctors found Kane's semen inside Vick during the autopsy; he also says Kane was in love with her, but she didn't reciprocate the same feelings. Triple H closes his promo by suggesting what transpired that evening wasn't so much an act of date rape as it was an act of necrophilia. Similar to last week, we're left with a stunned and silent Kane as the audience reacts in a similar fashion.

The next Monday, Trips is asked why he's doing this, and he explains that it's to expose Kane as a twisted, demented psychopath. He claims to have proof via video tape, which he says is not for the squeamish. Following the ol' "Viewer Discretion Is Advised" treatment, we see HHH entering Katie Vick's funeral (surprisingly unattended) wearing a Kane mask. He addresses the corpse, stating that wants her even more now that she's dead. Vick apparently lets Haitch have her, as he starts groping her corpse. He says he's going to give her what she's always wanted and take what he's always wanted, then climbs into the casket. The Cerebral Assassin proceeds to sexually defile the corpse, accompanied by cutaway shots of candles, flowers and verbal exchanges one might be familiar with after an excursion to Pornhub; this shocking display ends with HHH proclaiming, "I screwed your brains out!" We cut back to him backstage laughing about what we just saw, leaving Jonathan Coachman (and the entire audience) in a state of utter shock and bewilderment, altogether wondering why in the hell he did this and how he didn't get caught. Granted, necrophilia isn't the first thing you're concerned with at a funeral home, but it's probably something that wouldn't hurt the mortician and fellow staff members to be on the lookout for.

Later on in the show, a tag team match is fixed up, pairing Kane & Rob Van Dam against HHH and his Evolution stablemate Ric Flair. The match devolves into a brawl HHH and Kane, who take their brouhaha backstage. The two scrap for a spell, culminating in Kane chokeslamming the world's #1 Motorhead enthusiast onto the hood of a car, then stuffing him into the trunk of the car while uttering, "Now, I'm gonna screw YOU! The only question is, will you still be alive? Or while I just wait until you're dead?" before driving off as the show ends. If you need to take a break from reading this so you can confess your sins to your local spiritual leader, go right ahead.

The following Monday, HHH kicks RAW off by discussing the events that transpired last week. He then explains "the only person's opinion on this matters, we've not heard from yet." He then introduces his special guest, the very same corpse he sexually desecrated last week, Katie Vick. He brings the mannequin into the ring, making dead-themed dad jokes along the way. He props Vick up on his lap and asks the inanimate Vick if she found the video footage last week offensive. In a hackneyed display of ventriloquism, Vick "explains" that she didn't find it offensive and actually found the experience to be quite painful on account of Kane's "burnt little weiner." HHH then addresses the crowd, stating he doesn't give a damn if anyone was offended, no doubt setting some sort of precedence for future edgelords to follow.

He's then interrupted by Kane's tag team partner The Hurricane, who demands to know why The Game is in such a mirthful state after having been stuffed inside the trunk of a car last week. Haitch explains that popped the child safety latch inside the trunk of the car and jumped out. Hurricane then demands him to explain how he acquired footage of HHH in the operating room of a hospital last night. We then cut to footage of unknown man wearing several HHH masks and having several objects removed from his anus, with the man proclaiming at the end of the video, "You...you pulled my head out of my ass?" Enraged, HHH proceeds to attack the mannequin for no other reason other than to continue the frightening madness. Kane comes down and the two scuffle for a bit before RAW GM Eric Bischoff comes out to announce a casket match as the main event of the show. Shawn Michaels is revealed to be hiding in the casket, popping out to attack HHH and assist Kane with the victory.

Aftermath

Following the casket match, the HHH/Kane feud had all but fizzled out. Following Shawn Michaels' appearance during the match, Triple H quickly jumped back into a feud with the Heartbreak Kid, reviving what they started earlier in the year. HHH never really left the main event scene around this time; losing the World Heavyweight title a few times only to regain it just as soon as he lost it, never losing sight of the Big Gold Belt and altogether ruling the main event scene, with some dubbing it the "Reign Of Terror".

As for Kane, this was unfortunately one of his very few opportunities at the main event scene around this time, falling back into feuds within the midcard and tag team divisions shortly thereafter.

Weighing The Pros and The Cons

Now that we've covered the story from beginning to end, what did we think of it? What were the highs? What were the lows? And what one outweighs the other?

For the positives, there were very few, to say the least. The one that I can think of is that Kane got a main event push, which is cool because the dude's incredibly talented and definitely deserved any big push he got. And technically, I guess, he won the feud? Not sure how, but I think he did.

And as for the negatives...Jesus fucking Christ. Where do I start? Where do I finish? What element of this story made WWE creative think not only should it be incorporated into the professional wrestling zeitgeist, but it should also be broadcast on live TV? Throughout my time watching this story unfold, it didn't feel like I was watching professional wrestling; it was more akin to one of those dime-a-dozen true crime documentaries/features you see floating around Netflix. I'd honestly like to ask whoever came up with this story where they're hiding the bodies, because only a serial killer could conjure something up like this. I mean, was Edmund Kemper employed by WWE around this time?

For starters, it's not told very well. The story is wrapped up too quickly and is never really given an opportunity to develop into anything that can truly engage an audience. If they were going for the soap opera formula of storytelling, they missed the mark by a country mile; as stupid and nonsensical soaps can get, at least they let the stories breathe and develop over a lengthy course of time. Here, it's just sort of throwing lurid subject matter at the audience at a rapid-fire pace, starting and ending the story in the course of only a month.

And as far as characterization goes, it's beyond abysmal. HHH comes as less of a wrestling heel and more of a psychopathic criminal who needs to be thoroughly investigated. It also made Kane look like an absolute moron throughout the whole ordeal, relying on shenanigans to come out on the winning side. Honestly, everyone involved here looked absolutely terrible, and the only reason to root for anybody in this situation is solely rooted in prior bias. Judging by the quality of writing alone, there's no discernible reason to root for anyone in this situation outside of prior bias.

Being a horror/grindhouse fan, the subject matter itself wasn't a problem for me so much as how it was handled. As awful and dark as the story to Last House On The Left is, I at least have a vested interest in watching; the pacing and direction is handled well, providing an entertaining product overall. With Katie Vick, the subject matter was handled so sloppily that there was practically no entertainment value to be had. Personally speaking, it's one of the most physically punishing pieces of wrestling lore to sit through.

As much as I love Kane, it wasn't worth this trash-ass story to see him in the main event here. To say the negatives outweigh the positives here is a big fucking understatement.

Can we fix it?

So what could've been done differently to improve it? Quite simple: to have never fucking done it in the first place. This story should have been snuffed out from the very beginning, because it's clear to me that when it comes to dark stories, WWE handles them about as well as a two-handed prostate exam. The best thing I can say about this whole ordeal is that provided shitposters like myself with a bevvy of meme content. Outside of that, there's nothing positive I can say about my experience watching this. It's my sleep paralysis demon and it's broken me as an individual.

But with that being said, my passion for stories and the critical analysis of them is undeterred. So stay tuned, and I'll see you in the next one.

MLW Fusion Episode 83 Recap and Review: 11/11/19

It's the first episode of Fusion following MLW's PPV debut Superfight. Who walked away victorious? Did we see new champions get crowned? We'll find out all about it and more, so let's waste any more time and dive into what should be an entertaining show.

Contra Unit Opening

The entirety of Contra Unit (Josef Samael, Simon Gotch, Ikuro Kwon and current MLW World Heavyweight Champion Jacob Fatu) come to the ring, much to the surprise of the commentary team, who were expecting to the show to start with Timothy Thatcher and Low Ki. Samael cuts a promo where gloats about Contra Unit dismantling Promociones Dorado following Fatu's successful title defense against L.A. Park, Contra Unit's global reach and a desire to procure all of the gold in MLW.

Samael in particular calls out MLW Middleweight Champion Teddy Hart, who comes to the ring flanked by his Hart Foundation stablemates Brian Pillman, Jr. and Davey Boy Smith, Jr. The two groups scuffle before it gets broken up.

An entertaining enough segment and a decent way to start the show. Samael brought the bombast in his promo and he delivered it well. Kayfabe-wise, it makes sense for the top heel stable to demand all the gold, and it'll be interesting to see how they handle it going forward.

Timothy Thatcher/Low Ki

Unsurprisingly, it's a 100% technical bout from the start as both grapplers trade holds and counters in a effort to gain an advantage. Thatcher gets Ki up on the top rope, who answers back with a hanging triangle armbar. Back in the ring, the two trade Greco-Roman knucklelocks with Thatcher using his size advantage to gain the upper hand. Ki stays on the mat and attempts to ward off Thatcher with some low kicks, only for Thatcher answer back with a single-leg boston crab, then transitioning into a bow and arrow hold.

Contra Unit interrupts the match as Samael addresses the new Tag Team Champions The Von Erichs, promising he has an offer The Von Erichs "will be unable to refuse." Back to the match, Thatcher is still solidly in control, grounding Low Ki and wearing him down. Ki fights back with a series of hard chops, which Thatcher responds with a european uppercut. He then slams Ki to the mat then hits him with an elbow drop. After a knee strike/suplex combo, Thatcher sends Ki to the outside with an uppercut.

The two trade chops and uppercuts before Ki attempts a springboard maneuver; Thatcher responds with another uppercut and sends Ki back to the outside once again. Ki manages to avoid both a countout and a pinfall attempt, then counters a catapult with a second-rope double stomp. Gaining some momentum, Ki hits Thatcher with a couple of shoot kicks. He attempts for more offense, only for Thatcher to respond with a side belly-to-belly suplex, then a double underhook suplex.

Thatcher attempts another suplex, only for Ki wriggle out and chop-block him. Ki then attempts a dragon sleeper, only for Thatcher fight out and get Ki upon his shoulders. Unfortunately for Thatcher, Ki manages to lock in a triangle choke of sorts in this position and submits Thatcher for the victory.

If you like technical wrestling, you'll get a kick out of this match. The holds were crisp and superbly delivered, and you really felt the weight of each strike delivered. The counters were beyond impressive, and I'm really impressed how innovative they became as the match went on. Thatcher looked like an absolute beast, and Ki managed to keep his badass credibility while still managing to be vulnerable and plausibly vincible in the process. A damn fine match through and through.

Myron Reed vs. Teddy Hart (c), MLW World Middleweight Championship match

Hart starts the match out in a technical manner, applying various holds before going to the outside to fight the other members of Reed's stable Injustice (Kotto Brazil and Jordan Oliver). Back in the ring, Hart eats a superkick from Reed, who follows up with a slingshot leg drop. Hart is back on the outside fighting Brazil and Oliver, only for Reed to take advantage of the distraction with consecutive tope suicidas through the second and over the top rope.

Back in the ring, Reed springboards only for Hart to avoid it; Reed handsprings out of a clothesline attempt and hits Hart with a springboard cutter/falcon arrow combo. Hart dodges a springboard 450 splash attempt from Reed and drills him with a canadian destroyer. Gaining control for the time-being, Hart then hits Reed with a straight-jackhonoret backstabber, then a split-legged corkscrew senton. Hart then connects with a moonsault, which Reed kicks out of. Hart then plants him with a powerbomb/backstabber combo, only for Reed to kick out of that as well.

Hart then pulls out a hammerlock DDT, then ascends to the top rope to drill Reed with a diving DDT. Oliver and Brazil distract the referee, prompting Hart to toss Reed onto them, then connect with an asai moonsault. Back in the ring, Hart drills Reed with a top-rope canadian destroyer. Oliver and Brazil pull the referee out of the 3-count once again, and during this distraction, Josef Samael hits Hart with a fireball. Reed connects with the springboard 450 splash to become the new MLW Middleweight Champion.

A great match with an odd finish. It was a well-executed spotfest, with both competitors displaying breathtaking agility and pulling out some damn good sequences. Don't get me wrong, I like Reed and he definitely deserves the W, but I'm wondering why it came from the assistance of Contra Unit's Josef Samael, who explicitly said he's coming after Hart and his Middleweight title. It wholly contradicts what he said at the beginning of the show, so I'm wondering if Reed's reign will be short-term and will just serve as a platform to a Hart Foundation/Contra Unit rivalry. Time will tell, I guess. Anyways, a great match and a solid way to end the show.

This was a damn good episode, all things considered. Despite the wonky ending, I still dug the hell out of the main event, and Thatcher/Ki was athletikino, definitely garnering MOTN honors from me. If I were you, I'd definitely check this episode out ASAP.